We’re lucky if sex ed teaches us anything about what’s between our legs (besides that it could make us pregnant), and the messages we get from the media can be just as disempowering. They can give you the impression that having a vagina must be painful or even shameful, and there’s a ton of unnecessary policing around how we use ours. And too often, we’re taught that our genitals define who we are.
On top of being factually wrong, many of these myths are downright sexist. So don’t buy any of these major misconceptions. Here’s what the facts are.
Myth #1: If you use your vagina too much, it’ll get “loose.”
No penis, toy, hand, or even baby will stretch your vagina permanently, says sex therapist Vanessa Marin. It might adjust to accommodate what’s coming in (or, in the case of childbirth, out), but it’ll bounce back.
OB-GYN Mary Jane Minkin, MD, a clinical professor of obstetrics and gynecology at Yale University School of Medicine, agrees. “Anything that stretches your vagina is doing it temporarily,” she says. “The walls of the vagina are truly quite elastic and stretchy.”
Myth #2: Vibrators take away sensation.
Despite fear-mongering around “dead vagina syndrome,” your vagina will keep doing its thing no matter how many times you use a vibrator, says Marin. It might feel desensitized right after a session, but it’ll be back to normal after a break.
However, if you’re only using a vibrator, your body might get used to it the same way it might get used to your hand. If you’d like to orgasm through other activities and are having trouble, Marin — who teaches people to orgasm through the online course Finishing School — suggests mixing up your routine.
“If you're down with having all of your orgasms come from your vibrator, then keep using your vibrator as much as you'd like. If you want to be able to orgasm from your partner's hands, their tongue, or from intercourse (if you have it), then it's worth taking it easy with the vibrator and learning how to orgasm with your hands,” she advises. “The stimulation that vibrators create can't be replicated by the human body. It's hard to give a partner feedback if all you know how to do is hit the power button.”
Myth #3: Your vagina requires a special cleaning routine.
Douching does more harm than good, says Minkin. Not only is it unnecessary; it actually clears healthy bacteria out of your vagina and can even increase your risk for STIs. You’re better off washing with mild soap and water or using a gentle product like RepHresh Intimate Wash.
Myth #4: You should be able to orgasm through intercourse.
Only about a quarter of women orgasm regularly during intercourse, and there’s a very good reason for that. “The overwhelming majority of your nerve endings are in your clitoris. The clitoris is actually the biological equivalent of the head of the penis,” Marin explains. “A woman trying to orgasm from penetration alone is like a man trying to orgasm from having his testicles rubbed. It might feel good, and there might be some people who can have an orgasm that way, but it's just not the way the body works.”
On the flip side, not everything that stimulates the clitoris is guaranteed to get you off either. Some women do not orgasm through oral sex, through fingering, or with a partner at all, says sexologist Carol Queen, PhD. You can increase your chances by trying out different techniques, but if they don’t work, nothing’s wrong with you, so don’t feel like you’re letting your partner down.
Myth #5: If you’ve got a smaller or more hidden clit, you’re missing out.
There are some rumors floating around that having a small clitoris or one covered by the clitoral hood makes it harder to orgasm. Don’t believe them, says Marin. “The size or shape of your clitoris has no relationship to the amount of pleasure you're capable of feeling.”
“The clitoris is an amazing organ,” Minkin agrees. “Even if it seems covered up, the tissue around it will move out of the way, and a smaller clitoris will react just like a big one.”
Since the appearance of your vagina doesn’t tell you what you’ll like, you’ve got to figure that out through trial and error. “Every clitoris is different, so you may like direct or indirect stimulation, more or less pressure, or more or less speed,” says Marin. “You have to explore your clitoris and find what it likes the best.”
Myth #6: Your period should be painful.
Around half of people with periods get menstrual cramps, but don’t dismiss debilitating pain. If you can’t function, there’s probably something more serious than PMS going on. Bad menstrual discomfort can point toward a number of issues, from a poor diet or inadequate hydration to a health condition like endometriosis or PCOS. A good litmus test, says Minkin, is that if an ibuprofen or naproxen isn’t enough to alleviate the pain, you should see a doctor.
Myth #7: The first time you have sex should be painful.
You might’ve heard that your first experience of penis-in-vagina intercourse will cause you to bleed or hurt due to the tearing of the hymen, a thin layer of skin around the vaginal opening. But in reality, this might not be your experience at all. One study found that 67% of people with vaginas surveyed did not bleed their first time having intercourse.
Despite the phrase “pop your cherry,” the hymen doesn’t have to be broken. It only covers a small portion of the vagina, and it can stretch or tear at various points throughout your whole life. You might’ve torn it without even knowing while you were playing sports or using a tampon, says Marin.
During the sex itself, Marin’s best advice is to “be with a partner you trust, go slow, and take deep, relaxing breaths.” If it’s not going in easily, use lube and lots of foreplay. “Pain might be associated with hymen breakage, but way more common is that a person isn't sufficiently aroused for vaginal penetration,” says Queen.
In rare cases, some people have hymens that completely or almost entirely cover the vaginal opening. In that case, getting it stretched at a gynecologist’s office could be helpful, says Minkin. Talk to your doctor if it’s painful to put anything (like a tampon or finger) in your vagina. And if pain during sex is significant or persistent, talk to your doctor about that too, since it could signal anything from a yeast infection or STI to vaginismus or vulvodynia.
Myth #8: You can’t get pregnant on your period.
Your fertility fluctuates throughout your cycle, but even on your least fertile days, pregnancy is possible, says Minkin. Plus, you can transmit or contract STIs at any time of month, so protection is just as necessary.
Myth #9: All people with vaginas are women, and all women have vaginas.
About 150,000 American teenagers — or one in every 137 — now identify as transgender. That means that many people with vaginas identify as men, and many people with penises identify as women. Others identify as something else entirely, like non-binary or agender. And some people of all different identities are intersex — that is, their bodies aren’t classified as male or female.
In other words, nothing “makes you a woman,” including your vagina. You get to say how you identify, and no other person — or part of your body — can decide that for you.
Related: 8 Things Your Vagina NEEDS You to Stop Doing
