Michelle Phan is gearing up to launch Em Cosmetics, and if you think you’ve seen that name before, it’s because you have. In 2013, Michelle teamed up with L’Oréal to create her first-ever makeup line, Em. Michelle’s makeup debut didn’t skyrocket successfully like her other projects (a wildly popular YouTube channel that’s considered one of Beauty’s first, a collaboration with makeup mainstay Lancôme, and a beauty subscription service called Ipsy). After dealing head-on with the fall of Em, Michelle decided she needed a full digital detox. She boldly left her brand and her life in search of soul-seeking. Now, Em is about to relaunch, Michelle’s way. Streamlined with liquid liners and gorgeous cream lipsticks, Em’s arrival is a rebirth and the perfect introduction to Michelle’s next chapter. Here, she explains why she had to disappear and how she plans on coming back, bigger than ever.
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When I was in my early teens, makeup was my way of feeling more beautiful. I wore eyeliner because I wanted my eyes to look bigger. Then going into my 20s, my perspective changed. I saw makeup in a different way. Makeup was a form of self-expression. It was my form of art. My face was a canvas. It was my way of exploring the different facets of my personality. I could be a dark goth girl, or I could be this bubbly princess. That was my form of self-discovery. And now that I’m entering my 30s, I feel like my perspective on beauty has changed. It’s more refined. I know exactly the types of products I want for me, that look best for me. I’m now more into the tooling of products instead, so I used all these recent life experiences to help create my brand re-launch.
Last year I took a hiatus. During a year off, I was able to travel to places in Europe and Africa. I went to Egypt because I love Egypt so much. I cut off social media cold turkey. It is really scary, because you can become irrelevant. If you don’t upload a video or stay updated, within a month you’re irrelevant. People forget about you because there’s so much happening online.
This year it will be 10 years since I started doing this. I felt like it was time for me to just relax and enjoy life because since my first video in 2007 I didn’t stop. I was hustling nonstop. It wasn’t like today when there’s an infrastructure, and it’s easier to plug yourself in. Back then, it was a lot of work for me. I turned 29 last year, and I just wanted to enjoy my 20s for at least one year. I don’t have kids, I’m not married. I wanted to enjoy that freedom of not having to worry about anything. I achieved the goals I wanted to with my company. We raised 100 million. We’re good. I thought, financially, I’m okay. My family is okay. Why do I feel like I need more? Sometimes I feel like our society tells us, “No, you need more! You need more money. You need to be a multi-billionaire.” But why?
I’m a very simple person. I came from a very simple background and I didn’t need to continue growing and being number one in order to feel validated. I actually wasn’t happy last year. I was really sad and depressed. I self-diagnosed myself, and I think I had depression. That was when I decided to had an intervention with myself and to remove myself from the environment that was causing all that anxiety, which was L.A. I needed to listen to my head and my heart. And how could I do that when all the noise was in my environment, like in LA with all the honking. How could I hear myself?
I was going almost borderline crazy. So I packed a suitcase — my whole life — in one piece of luggage, and I just left. I didn’t even tell anyone. My business partners, board members, everyone was freaking out, like, “Did Michelle just quit? We need her!” I thought, “Dude, if you want me to make this brand great, I need myself to think great. I need to feel great, and I don’t feel great right now.” So that’s why I left.
I flew to Switzerland, and I went to a city called Zermatt. It’s interesting, because no one can drive cars in the city within a five mile radius. So, you park far away and take a little shuttle that’s electric. There are little golf carts everywhere. I can’t even begin to tell you how quiet it was. It was so quiet that I could hear my thoughts at night. It’s so scary. I couldn’t even hear animals. I would go outside and sit and stare at the stars. All my worries and struggles all of a sudden felt like nothing, because I saw an endless sea of stars. And I thought, “There’s probably someone else like me that’s worrying about themselves too and we’re all in this….” I didn’t feel alone anymore.
It was a digital detox. I reconnected myself back to nature. Nature healed me. Nature reminded me that everything we’ve built around our world that we have today doesn’t really matter. When I went to see the pyramids, I thought, “Wow, these were built for pharaohs, where are they now?” These civilizations come and go. So all these problems that we put into ourselves — the anxiety and stress — are really influenced by outsides sources. But we have the power to choose whether we want them to influence us. That was something that I had to recognize. And I had to recognize that by reflecting — and how can you reflect when you’re always stressed. You can’t.
It was interesting coming back to L.A. It felt like nothing changed, which is weird because digital changed a lot, but the scene…nothing really changed. But I didn’t come back the same. I came back changed and different. I saw things differently. I have more clarity. I know now how to speak to youth. I feel like at a certain point, I was lost, too. I had to reorient myself. And now I know where I need to go…who I need to speak to…what industries I’m interested in disrupting…what other industries need to be disrupted and how can I find talented people who have the ability to make that change. And I think we’re just at the beginning of a lot of change that’s going to happen.
Now I have a second chance for this makeup brand. So, I’m excited about just launching it and showing people how I’ve changed. Em is going to be an introduction of my evolution. Because I’ve been evolving since I was that 15-year-old on Xanga. I’m changing, and I want to show people that it’s okay to change and to grow. So many people want to stay the same forever. The only constant in life is change. We need to embrace it. Most importantly, I wanted to make this brand for my viewers. They’ve been supporting me for over 10 years. This is really for them. That’s why the price point is affordable. The eyeliner is $15. We made sure that everything is made according to the standard of art pens. Everything is just easy, effortless, affordable and intuitive.
Everybody needs to be in a good place if you want to create something beautiful. I wasn’t. When Em Cosmetics, launched with L’Oréal, flopped, I was trolled so hard online. I had Reddit forums dedicated to hating on it. I was bullied. I hate using that word because everyone is bullied, but I was digitally bullied. And I never argued with anyone, even if they said something that was not right — like people were saying that my previous formulations were really cheap. I could have said a lot of things, but the thing about the internet is that you cannot have a legitimate arguement with someone online and win.
A lot of them are people who choose to misunderstand you. So if they choose to misunderstand you, you already lost and there’s no use trying to convince them otherwise. I tried a few times, but instead of focusing my attention on the negative people, I’d rather just focus on the positive people who have something positive to say. You can distinguish the difference between someone who is being emotional and reactive and someone who just wants to be heard — they’re willing to have an intellectual conversation with you. That’s what I want to tell people — don’t even waste your time trying to convince negative people — they’re not going to be convinced. The best way to convince anyone is to show them through actions. Pretty words can say so much, but it’s really action that silences everyone.
When I was younger, I was really naive. I came from a small town. I didn’t know anything about the business world. I went to art school and I was studying medicine. You can’t trust everyone you meet right off the bat. Even if they seem genuine, like they want to help you. You have to have a strong sense of discernment. You have to listen to and use your intuition. Just listen to that gut. If you feel like your gut is telling you this person seems a little off or this deal seems kinda sketchy, listen to that intuition and lawyer up. Always lawyer up. Before even getting a manager, get a lawyer.
But I made it out. I am not gone, guys. I’m stronger than ever. We all go through this. It’s like the hero’s journey. It’s like The Lion King — Simba went through this, I went through this. You rise, you fall, and then you rise even higher. I grew up watching Sailor Moon, so I wanted to be that hero. I realize I’m not a hero, I’m just a girl. I’m just a girl who wants the best for the world — just like everyone else.
As told to Teen Vogue.
Related: Want To Be the Next YouTube Star? Michelle Phan Shares Her Best Advice