Welcome to "Ask a Sex Educator," a weekly series where renowned sex educator Lena Solow answers all of your questions about the tough stuff — sexuality, gender, bodies, STDs, pregnancy, consent, pleasure, and more.
My boyfriend says the way I dress at the beach is too revealing — he says I shouldn’t wear bikinis or short shorts. I don’t want to make him feel bad, but I like my style. What should I do?
Ditch the boyfriend, keep the bikini.
OK, it’s a little more complicated than that. But seriously, this isn’t cool. You are allowed to dress however you want — it’s your body! It’s really nice of you to not want your boyfriend to feel bad, but in this case his bad feelings aren’t about you doing something wrong. Society tries to tell us that men own women’s bodies, and that women only dress to get approval or attention from men. Whether he realizes it or not, your boyfriend is responding to those messages, not to your cute beachwear.
Now, maybe he’s a totally controlling jerk, or maybe he just needs to unlearn this one internalized message. How do you figure that out? Think about your relationship — do you think this is part of a bigger pattern or does it feel isolated? Do you feel like your boyfriend is controlling in other ways — does he get weird about where you’re going, who you’re with, or who you’re texting? (Check out these power and control and respect wheels for more examples of controlling versus healthy relationships, and remember that people of any gender can be controlling or abusive.)
If you decide that this feels isolated and not part of a larger pattern, I suggest you address this head-on. You could say something like, “I feel uncomfortable when you try to police what I wear. This is my body and I’m going to express myself the way I want. If you’re having feelings of jealousy that you want to discuss we can do that, but I’m not going to change how I dress.”
Maybe he will talk about the root of his feelings and you can talk through some of that, but I want to be clear — this isn’t about compromise. This isn’t a situation where you both have to give up a little bit. This is a situation where someone is trying to exert control over your bodily autonomy and, simply put, he’s wrong. Your style is great, and hopefully when you express to him that he’s making you feel uncomfortable, he can rethink his stance and celebrate you at the beach!
Related: How to Figure Out if You’re Gay
