Welcome to "Ask a Sex Educator," a weekly series where renowned sex educator Lena Solow will be answering all of your questions about the tough stuff — sexuality, gender, bodies, STDs, pregnancy, consent, pleasure, and more.
Is it OK to masturbate or be curious about how to masturbate if I've never had sex?
Yes! There are so many weird and frustrating standards and ideas about masturbation — when it’s OK, when it’s not, when it’s embarrassing, when it’s cool, who’s allowed to do it, who shouldn’t do it, who HAS to do it — yikes! The truth is, there are no rules except that you should do what feels comfortable and exciting for you. If that means masturbation, go for it!
What are you concerned about happening if you masturbate before having sex? Some people might be thinking about what it means to be a virgin. I’ve written about this before — pretty much all of our ideas around virginity are sexist and unhelpful, but let’s dig in to one of them that may be affecting your choices about masturbation. Some people think that a person with a vulva is only a virgin if their hymen (the thin tissue inside the vaginal opening) is intact. Not true! The truth is, many people’s hymens aren’t fully intact when they’re born, and most slowly disintegrate throughout their life, whether by stretching, using a tampon, riding a bike, or maybe masturbating. Sorry to break it to ya, but there’s not usually a cherry popping moment. And why should there be? The whole idea about hymens breaking is based around ideas about vulvas as scary and/or sacred, and makes it seem as if the only thing that counts as sex is penetration (as opposed to oral sex, mutual masturbation, etc). So throw that idea out — if you’re a person with a vulva, your hymen may or may not still be intact now and may or may not still be intact after you masturbate. It doesn’t have any bearing on who you are as a person or how valuable your body is.
Regardless of your body parts, you might also feel like there’s something dirty or shameful about masturbating in general. It can be really hard to get past that feeling, but let me assure you — there is NOTHING dirty or shameful about exploring your own body and experiencing pleasure. Masturbation can serve many purposes — it can help you learn more about how your body works, help you relax, give you ideas for things you might want to do with a partner, ease menstrual cramps if you menstruate, help you fall asleep...the list goes on! And, for what it’s worth, it’s also okay to masturbate if you HAVE had sex, or if you had sex in the past but aren’t having sex right now, or if you’re in a relationship, if you’re not in a relationship. Your relationship to yourself, your body, and your pleasure always gets to be on your own terms, regardless of whatever you’re doing with other people.
